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Keep the Scumware Flowing

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I've been doing some serious thinking. Whoa! I better lie down for a while. That hurts. It hurts like hell!

. . . OK. I've taken a mega-dose of analgesic. I think I can struggle on. As I said, I've been thinking. In previous tirades, I've done an awful lot of whining and complaining (my only two real skills) about the, as I've so lamentably considered them in the past, vicious, evil, scum-sucking degenerates who are foisting spyware, spam, viruses, Trojan horses, and other malevolent bits and bytes on us. I'm beginning to change my mind about them. I'm no longer so sure that they're entirely bad.

Think about it. If it weren't for them, thousands--maybe even millions--of honest, hard-working people would be out pounding the pavement. Well, maybe only a few of the more mentally challenged of them would be actually pounding pavement, since that seems like such a fruitless endeavor. Most of them would be looking for work, but you get the picture.

Loaded on my computer right now, I have a firewall, an anti-virus program, an anti-spyware program, and a spam filter. All of them are either running continuously in the background or waiting to go to work as soon as email comes knocking on my computer's door. Their sole purpose is to protect me, or rather to try to protect me, from the electronic nastiness that regularly comes my way. In addition, there's another firewall on the router that stands between my DSL modem and my computer. There is also a second spam filter running on a server at my Internet Service Provider (ISP).

If it weren't for the evil varieties of hackers, con artists, sleazy marketers (no, despite what you might have heard, we're not all sleazy), and just plain crooks who send all of the wicked stuff our way, neither I nor anyone else would need any of the protective software. In addition to being a tad upsetting for the shareholders of the companies that make these products, such an eventuality would throw a lot of developers at many companies out of work. And what would happen to all of the people who write the totally incomprehensible users' manuals for these tools? It takes a lot of person-years to compose those documents. Do you think it's easy to put together a complete manual that appears to be written in English, yet cannot be unambiguously understood in its entirety by a single soul in the English-speaking world?

Furthermore, killing the market for protective software would also cut off the incomes of the vendors' executives, managers, marketers, salespeople, customer aggravators (companies that play fast and loose with the truth sometimes refer to them as customer service representatives), support staff, maintenance workers, cafeteria chefs and servers, onsite masseuses, in-house fitness instructors, pinball machine repairers, and the people who clean the washrooms. Obviously, I'm exaggerating a little bit here. Even if you don't have a job, you still have to go, so the washroom cleaners could probably find other jobs quickly.

It's not just companies developing protective software that would be in trouble. If I didn't have to run all of those applications, a 20-year-old pocket calculator would probably provide enough computing power to meet my needs. Of course, I'd have to also get rid of all of the bloatware from a certain exceptionally large software company headquartered in Redmond, Washington, which I won't name. Let's just call it MS to protect its identity; its identity is not what matters here. Think of all of the computer manufacturing jobs in China that would be lost if we didn't have to replace our obsolete computers every few months when they no longer have enough power to run all of the new, expanded protective software that we now need.

Then there are all of the security consultants charging unconscionably large fees to, first, offer advice to companies on ways to secure their data centers and desktop computers and, second, either run like the wind (gale force, at least) before something defeats the prescribed defenses or make sure that they've already found someone else to blame for the failure. What would they do if there were no longer any risks to protect against? There's no market for snake oil today, so they'd have to look elsewhere. (I apologize in advance for that cheap shot. It's totally unfair. I went for the easy laugh. If you're a security consultant, you are, no doubt, one of the many fine exceptions that prove the rule. Or maybe not. You decide.)

I can't remember the last single day when I saw less than a half dozen articles talking about some new computer threat, an old threat that has worsened or morphed into something else, the consequences of the threats, or what we should do to protect ourselves from them. And those are just the articles that my eyes alight on. I only peruse a very small fraction of 1% of the publications that are available in the world. There are undoubtedly many more articles about technology malfeasance that I never see. If there weren't any of these sorts of stories to report on, what would all of the journalists walking the high tech beat do? They'd be seeking new employment too. That's what.

I can confirm the previous statement. I know that if there weren't all of the high tech evilness that there is in the world today I'd certainly have trouble finding things to rant about every week. But that's OK. Don't worry about me. I'm not important. I'll suffer. By the way, have I ever mentioned my Jewish heritage? Suffering is my middle name. I've never forgiven my parents for that.

Even if you aren't a computer journalist and you don't work for a software or hardware firm, your job may still not be safe. Consider how much time ordinary employees at companies of all sorts, and the IT support staff who have to hold their hands, spend installing all of the preventative software and fixing the problems caused by the electronic vandalism that inevitably sneaks past it. If we could eliminate all of that wasted time, companies could probably cut their staffs in half and still get as much productive work done, if not more. So while you're at work, look at the person to the left of you and the person to right. If we can get rid of all of the garbage that haunts our computers, one of those people might be gone tomorrow. While you're at it, look in the mirror. You might be the one who gets the axe.

There will also be a lot of secondary job losses. It's hard to afford a grande, low-fat, decaf, caramel, macchiato, extra-hot, extra-foam latte and a chocolate croissant when you haven't got a steady income--or any income at all for that matter. So you can say goodbye to a lot of baristas too. While I'm at it, think how much less time we'd spend in line-ups at Starbucks if people would just ask for a doppio espresso instead of all of that sissified crap. What are they, little wimps who are afraid it'll keep them awake at night? Big deal! Get over it! You probably sleep way too much anyway. But I digress.

Another regrettable outcome is that a lot of people who would have bought new cars will, for economic reasons, be forced to buy used (sorry, pre-owned) vehicles instead. Unfortunately that will mean that, in addition to a lot fewer workers at car plants and new car dealers, we'll have to put up with a lot more used car salespeople. There are a lot of jokes about loud, plaid suits and loud lying that I could use here, but they are all way too obvious, so I'll pass.

Spend just a few moments pondering the inevitable effects of those massive job losses. The world economy would collapse. There would be widespread poverty. Poverty would lead to famine. The resulting malnutrition would lead to weakened immune systems. Weakened immune systems, coupled with the festering bacteria seeping from sewage systems that are non-existent or degrading due to under-funding, would lead to wide-ranging incidences of deadly diseases. Oppressive poverty would also breed looting and other violent acts. Citizens would mount the ramparts, demanding that their governments act decisively. Outbursts of rioting, rebellions, and insurgencies would occur in various spots around the world. In other words, it would look very much like an average day on the planet, only more so. And who wants that?

So, please, before you do anything else today, remember to take the time to say a heartfelt thank you to your friendly local malevolent hackers and spam artists. Make them your friends. Buy them a round of drinks. Your job and the very fabric of society may depend on it. Just keep them the hell away from my damned computer!

Joel Klebanoff is a consultant, a writer, and president of Klebanoff Associates, Inc., a Toronto, Canada-based marketing communications firm. Joel has 25 years experience working in IT, first as a programmer/analyst and then as a marketer. He holds a Bachelor of Science in computer science and an MBA, both from the University of Toronto. Contact Joel at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.. He would like to offer this warning to readers: This is a work of satire. Some people may not recognize it as such and, because of that and the occasional use of harsh language, will be offended by what they read. They are advised to use their discretion and not read the article if it is likely to upset them. Oops. This warning should have gone at the head of the column. Sorry.

Joel Klebanoff

Joel Klebanoff is a consultant, writer, and formerly president of Klebanoff Associates, Inc., a Toronto-based marketing communications firm. He has 30 years' experience in various IT capacities and now specializes in writing articles, white papers, and case studies for IT vendors and publications across North America. Joel is also the author of BYTE-ing Satire, a compilation of a year's worth of his columns. He holds a BS in computer science and an MBA, both from the University of Toronto. Contact Joel at joel@klebanoff.com.


MC Press books written by Joel Klebanoff available now on the MC Press Bookstore.

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    There’s an easy, more reliable way to import your IBM i data to Excel? It’s called Sequel. During this webinar, our data access experts demonstrate how you can simplify the process of getting data from multiple sources—including Db2 for i—into Excel. Watch to learn how to:

    • Download your IBM i data to Excel in a single step
    • Deliver data to business users in Excel via email or a scheduled job
    • Access IBM i data directly using the Excel add-in in Sequel

    Make 2020 the year you finally see your data clearly, quickly, and securely. Start by giving business users the ability to access crucial business data from IBM i the way they want it—in Microsoft Excel.

     

     

  • HA Alternatives: MIMIX Is Not Your Only Option on IBM i

    SB_HelpSystems_WC_GenericIn this recorded webinar, our experts introduce you to the new HA transition technology available with our Robot HA software. You’ll learn how to:

    • Transition your rules from MIMIX (if you’re happy with them)
    • Simplify your day-to-day activities around high availability
    • Gain back time in your work week
    • Make your CEO happy about reducing IT costs

    Don’t stick with a legacy high availability solution that makes you uncomfortable when transitioning to something better can be simple, safe, and cost-effective.

     

     

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  • Backup and Recovery on IBM i: Your Strategy for the Unexpected

    SB HelpSystems SC 5413Robot automates the routine tasks of iSeries backup and recovery, saving you time and money and making the process safer and more reliable. Automate your backups with the Robot Backup and Recovery Solution. Key features include:
    - Simplified backup procedures
    - Easy data encryption
    - Save media management
    - Guided restoration
    - Seamless product integration
    Make sure your data survives when catastrophe hits. Try the Robot Backup and Recovery Solution FREE for 30 days.

  • Manage IBM i Messages by Exception with Robot

    SB HelpSystems SC 5413Managing messages on your IBM i can be more than a full-time job if you have to do it manually. How can you be sure you won’t miss important system events?
    Automate your message center with the Robot Message Management Solution. Key features include:
    - Automated message management
    - Tailored notifications and automatic escalation
    - System-wide control of your IBM i partitions
    - Two-way system notifications from your mobile device
    - Seamless product integration
    Try the Robot Message Management Solution FREE for 30 days.

  • Easiest Way to Save Money? Stop Printing IBM i Reports

    SB HelpSystems SC 5413Robot automates report bursting, distribution, bundling, and archiving, and offers secure, selective online report viewing.
    Manage your reports with the Robot Report Management Solution. Key features include:

    - Automated report distribution
    - View online without delay
    - Browser interface to make notes
    - Custom retention capabilities
    - Seamless product integration
    Rerun another report? Never again. Try the Robot Report Management Solution FREE for 30 days.

  • Hassle-Free IBM i Operations around the Clock

    SB HelpSystems SC 5413For over 30 years, Robot has been a leader in systems management for IBM i.
    Manage your job schedule with the Robot Job Scheduling Solution. Key features include:
    - Automated batch, interactive, and cross-platform scheduling
    - Event-driven dependency processing
    - Centralized monitoring and reporting
    - Audit log and ready-to-use reports
    - Seamless product integration
    Scale your software, not your staff. Try the Robot Job Scheduling Solution FREE for 30 days.

  • ACO MONITOR Manages your IBM i 24/7 and Notifies You When Your IBM i Needs Assistance!

    SB DDL Systems 5429More than a paging system - ACO MONITOR is a complete systems management solution for your Power Systems running IBM i. ACO MONITOR manages your Power System 24/7, uses advanced technology (like two-way messaging) to notify on-duty support personnel, and responds to complex problems before they reach critical status.

    ACO MONITOR is proven technology and is capable of processing thousands of mission-critical events daily. The software is pre-configured, easy to install, scalable, and greatly improves data center efficiency.