15
Tue, Oct
6 New Articles

SkyMall: Superfluous Gadgets Run Amok

Commentary
Typography
  • Smaller Small Medium Big Bigger
  • Default Helvetica Segoe Georgia Times

Face it; we've all been there. We've all asked the questions:

  • How can I best dissuade a mole from venturing into my yard, but in a way that minimizes my carbon footprint?
  • What is the latest high-tech gizmo available to me in my tireless battle against the onslaught of savage microorganisms left behind by legions of filth-ridden hands to fester on everything from doorknobs to restaurant forks?
  • I need a new alarm clock, but not just any alarm clock; I need an absolutely absurd alarm clock. Where can I find one?

The answer to all these questions, of course, can be found in SkyMall, the publication of superfluous technology-run-amok, located in the seat pocket in front of you, right next your emergency instruction pamphlet, which presumably tells you how to maximize your chances of surviving disaster at 35,000 feet but actually serves no other purpose than to stand as a stark counterpoint to SkyMall, rendering undeniable the magazine's absurdity.

To wit, right there, on page 56: a solar-powered mole repeller. That bears repeating: a solar-powered mole repeller. Not a diesel-powered mole grinder or a stainless steel mole eviscerator. No smoke-belching implements of war worthy of a voracious and uncaring foe. A solar-powered mole repeller.

You see, SkyMall knows our society is presently hip-deep in a "green" frenzy, and we're forever wringing our hands about being sufficiently empathetic to our fellow animals, so SkyMall is there to help us as we scour our lives for ways to make Al Gore smile and show moles we mean them no harm. That's how one ends up with carbon-neutral mole repellers.

So, by plunking down $39.99 on perhaps the most contrived application of solar technology since George Hamilton engineered a reflective device to tan the inner linings of his nostrils in 1953, you can gently redirect your mole scourge to the yard next door, leaving the killing to your knuckle-dragging neighbor.

Next, assuming germaphobes can muster the courage to actually touch a copy of SkyMall in the first place, they can breath a sigh of relief upon reaching page 166...assuming germaphobes can view a breath as anything other than a game of Russian Roulette in a world of invisible floating biohazards.

On page 166—just below the wireless sensor that mounts to your mailbox door and sends both audio and video signals to a remote receiver in your home the very instant your mail arrives (an absolute must, I would think, for any one of the 1.4 million finalists in the Publishers Clearinghouse sweepstakes)—is the Hubble Telescope of the Michael Jackson crowd, a Nano UV Disinfection Scanner.

This virus-killer finds those nasty microorganisms wherever they hide and emits a UV light, which "produces sufficient energy to destroy (their) DNA." Yow. That's some serious firepower for an implement that "folds and fits easily into your pocket or purse." (Note to male germaphobes: you might want to keep your Nano UV Disinfection Scanner out of your front trouser pockets if you have any desire to hear the pitter-patter of contaminated little footsteps on your biologically pristine floors anytime down the road.)

But SkyMall doesn't stop there. It solidifies its position as the go-to magazine for technological pornography on page 22, with "The Flying Alarm Clock," a digital alarm clock that launches a flying rotor into the air as the alarm sounds. The rotor will eventually land somewhere within a 9' radius of the alarm clock base, which will not stop ringing until the rotor is returned to the base.

I kid you not; buy this doozy and your first activity each morning will be playing fetch with an inanimate object—and you're the dog. Your second, third, and fourth activities will be—in order—stubbing your toe, cursing the inanimate object you stubbed your toe on, and visualizing in disturbingly clear detail the many ways you'd like to maim the designers of this atrocious bastardization of Frisbee technology. Now, I'm no psychologist, but I can't help but think there are healthier ways of greeting the day.

My purpose here is not to pick a fight with technology. Technology is indifferent, like a blank sheet of paper. My purpose is to pick a fight with inane applications of technology. When a self-proclaimed performance artist writes a haiku about his uvula on that sheet of paper in invisible ink and puts a price tag on it, or when a manufacturer uses technology to harness the power of the sun so as to...uh...repel a mole and advertises it to travel-addled business people in SkyMall, well then, it's open season in my book.

Michael Stuhlreyer is a business writer, a graphic designer, and president of Stuhlreyer Business Instruments, LLC., a Nashville-based firm specializing in the creation of marketing and sales support materials, as well as articles, case studies, and product profiles for technology companies. Contact Mike at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. or visit his Web site, www.bizinstruments.com.

MIKE STUHLREYER

Michael Stuhlreyer is a business writer and graphic designer specializing in the creation of marketing and sales support materials, as well as articles, case studies, white papers, and product profiles for technology companies. Contact Mike at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it., or visit his Web site, www.bizinstruments.com.

BLOG COMMENTS POWERED BY DISQUS

LATEST COMMENTS

Support MC Press Online

$

Book Reviews

Resource Center

  • SB Profound WC 5536 Have you been wondering about Node.js? Our free Node.js Webinar Series takes you from total beginner to creating a fully-functional IBM i Node.js business application. You can find Part 1 here. In Part 2 of our free Node.js Webinar Series, Brian May teaches you the different tooling options available for writing code, debugging, and using Git for version control. Brian will briefly discuss the different tools available, and demonstrate his preferred setup for Node development on IBM i or any platform. Attend this webinar to learn:

  • SB Profound WP 5539More than ever, there is a demand for IT to deliver innovation. Your IBM i has been an essential part of your business operations for years. However, your organization may struggle to maintain the current system and implement new projects. The thousands of customers we've worked with and surveyed state that expectations regarding the digital footprint and vision of the company are not aligned with the current IT environment.

  • SB HelpSystems ROBOT Generic IBM announced the E1080 servers using the latest Power10 processor in September 2021. The most powerful processor from IBM to date, Power10 is designed to handle the demands of doing business in today’s high-tech atmosphere, including running cloud applications, supporting big data, and managing AI workloads. But what does Power10 mean for your data center? In this recorded webinar, IBMers Dan Sundt and Dylan Boday join IBM Power Champion Tom Huntington for a discussion on why Power10 technology is the right strategic investment if you run IBM i, AIX, or Linux. In this action-packed hour, Tom will share trends from the IBM i and AIX user communities while Dan and Dylan dive into the tech specs for key hardware, including:

  • Magic MarkTRY the one package that solves all your document design and printing challenges on all your platforms. Produce bar code labels, electronic forms, ad hoc reports, and RFID tags – without programming! MarkMagic is the only document design and print solution that combines report writing, WYSIWYG label and forms design, and conditional printing in one integrated product. Make sure your data survives when catastrophe hits. Request your trial now!  Request Now.

  • SB HelpSystems ROBOT GenericForms of ransomware has been around for over 30 years, and with more and more organizations suffering attacks each year, it continues to endure. What has made ransomware such a durable threat and what is the best way to combat it? In order to prevent ransomware, organizations must first understand how it works.

  • SB HelpSystems ROBOT GenericIT security is a top priority for businesses around the world, but most IBM i pros don’t know where to begin—and most cybersecurity experts don’t know IBM i. In this session, Robin Tatam explores the business impact of lax IBM i security, the top vulnerabilities putting IBM i at risk, and the steps you can take to protect your organization. If you’re looking to avoid unexpected downtime or corrupted data, you don’t want to miss this session.

  • SB HelpSystems ROBOT GenericCan you trust all of your users all of the time? A typical end user receives 16 malicious emails each month, but only 17 percent of these phishing campaigns are reported to IT. Once an attack is underway, most organizations won’t discover the breach until six months later. A staggering amount of damage can occur in that time. Despite these risks, 93 percent of organizations are leaving their IBM i systems vulnerable to cybercrime. In this on-demand webinar, IBM i security experts Robin Tatam and Sandi Moore will reveal:

  • FORTRA Disaster protection is vital to every business. Yet, it often consists of patched together procedures that are prone to error. From automatic backups to data encryption to media management, Robot automates the routine (yet often complex) tasks of iSeries backup and recovery, saving you time and money and making the process safer and more reliable. Automate your backups with the Robot Backup and Recovery Solution. Key features include:

  • FORTRAManaging messages on your IBM i can be more than a full-time job if you have to do it manually. Messages need a response and resources must be monitored—often over multiple systems and across platforms. How can you be sure you won’t miss important system events? Automate your message center with the Robot Message Management Solution. Key features include:

  • FORTRAThe thought of printing, distributing, and storing iSeries reports manually may reduce you to tears. Paper and labor costs associated with report generation can spiral out of control. Mountains of paper threaten to swamp your files. Robot automates report bursting, distribution, bundling, and archiving, and offers secure, selective online report viewing. Manage your reports with the Robot Report Management Solution. Key features include:

  • FORTRAFor over 30 years, Robot has been a leader in systems management for IBM i. With batch job creation and scheduling at its core, the Robot Job Scheduling Solution reduces the opportunity for human error and helps you maintain service levels, automating even the biggest, most complex runbooks. Manage your job schedule with the Robot Job Scheduling Solution. Key features include:

  • LANSA Business users want new applications now. Market and regulatory pressures require faster application updates and delivery into production. Your IBM i developers may be approaching retirement, and you see no sure way to fill their positions with experienced developers. In addition, you may be caught between maintaining your existing applications and the uncertainty of moving to something new.

  • LANSAWhen it comes to creating your business applications, there are hundreds of coding platforms and programming languages to choose from. These options range from very complex traditional programming languages to Low-Code platforms where sometimes no traditional coding experience is needed. Download our whitepaper, The Power of Writing Code in a Low-Code Solution, and:

  • LANSASupply Chain is becoming increasingly complex and unpredictable. From raw materials for manufacturing to food supply chains, the journey from source to production to delivery to consumers is marred with inefficiencies, manual processes, shortages, recalls, counterfeits, and scandals. In this webinar, we discuss how:

  • The MC Resource Centers bring you the widest selection of white papers, trial software, and on-demand webcasts for you to choose from. >> Review the list of White Papers, Trial Software or On-Demand Webcast at the MC Press Resource Center. >> Add the items to yru Cart and complet he checkout process and submit

  • Profound Logic Have you been wondering about Node.js? Our free Node.js Webinar Series takes you from total beginner to creating a fully-functional IBM i Node.js business application.

  • SB Profound WC 5536Join us for this hour-long webcast that will explore:

  • Fortra IT managers hoping to find new IBM i talent are discovering that the pool of experienced RPG programmers and operators or administrators with intimate knowledge of the operating system and the applications that run on it is small. This begs the question: How will you manage the platform that supports such a big part of your business? This guide offers strategies and software suggestions to help you plan IT staffing and resources and smooth the transition after your AS/400 talent retires. Read on to learn: