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**nycsusan@hotmail.com** · 05-02-2001, 04:57 AM

If you are working too hard...

Microsoft Dinner 2000 INSTRUCTIONS FOR MICROSOFT'S NEW TV DINNER PRODUCT: You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft's rights). You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is. If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes: mstv.dinn.//08.5min@50%heat Then enter: ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy|/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme. If you have a Macintosh microwave oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner. If you have a Unix microwave oven, insert the dinner, enter the ingredients of the dinner found on the package label, the weight of the dinner, and the desired level of cooking and press start. The oven will calculate the time and heat and cook the dinner exactly to your specification. Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner from the oven and enter: ms.nodarn.good/tryagainagain/again.darnit This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesn't work, contact your oven vendor. The oven itself is obviously on the blink. Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are empty. These are for future menu items. If the tray is too large to fit in your oven, you will need to upgrade your equipment. Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety, call Microsoft Help and they will explain that you really don't want another variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need. Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging. Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after '98. However, that version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get thrilled in advance. Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not a bug. Your freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.

**nycsusan@hotmail.com** · 05-02-2001, 05:02 AM

If you are working too hard...

Here's the latest "add on" from our friends at MicroSoft ...

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**Guest.Visitor** · 05-02-2001, 09:00 AM

If you are working too hard...

Bill Gates dies and is met by St. Peter at the entrance to Heaven. St. Peter looks in his book and says, "Yours is a very unusual case, Mr. Gates. You were instrumental in the computer revolution and helped to put a computer in every home and on every desk. On the other hand you were also responsible for Windows NT, you drove everyone mad with Clippy the paperclip, and you didn�t deal very fairly with Netscape. I�m going to do something I�ve never done with anyone else and let you choose where you want to spend eternity." Bill says, "Wow, that�s great. But how can I decide unless I�ve seen the choices and had a chance to evaluate them?" "No problem," says St. Peter, "I�ll take you round. Let�s go and look at Hell first." So St. Peter whizzes him down to Hell, and it�s not too bad. There�s a beach, there�s rock music playing, some people are surfing, others are sipping cocktails, and beautiful women are inviting him to join in their beach volleyball game. Then they zoom up to Heaven and people are sitting around on clouds listening to an angel playing a harp. Bill says, "Well, Heaven seems pretty nice but it�s a bit dull. I think there was more action down in Hell. I think I�d like to go there after all." "OK," says St. Peter, "but I�ll stop by in a couple of weeks and see how you�re getting on." Two weeks later St. Peter comes to visit Bill in Hell and he�s having a terrible time roasting in a pit of flaming brimstone and being tormented by demons. "This is awful," he says to St. Peter. "It�s not a bit like the thing you showed me." "Yes, sorry about that," says St. Peter. "That was a demo version."

**nycsusan@hotmail.com** · 05-02-2001, 09:15 AM

If you are working too hard...

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "if GM had kept up with the technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon." In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics: 1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day. 2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car. 3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this. 4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine. 5. Only one person at a time could use the car unless you bought "CarNT", but then you would have to buy more seats. 6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive but would only run on five percent of the roads. 7. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "General Protection Fault" warning light. 8. New seats would force everyone to have the same sized butt. 9. The airbag system would ask "are you sure?" before deploying. 10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna. 11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally Road maps (Now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the cars performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Dept. 12. Every time GM introduced a new car, car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car. 13. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

**David Abramowitz** · 05-02-2001, 09:58 AM

If you are working too hard...

This came out blank for me. To all, Keep the jokes coming. If we can't laugh, we lose everything. Dave

**nycsusan@hotmail.com** · 05-02-2001, 01:48 PM

If you are working too hard...

Dave, I had no trouble opening the other one, but here it is again in case other interested persons had difficulty as well ... Enjoy! Tah - dah! Here's the latest Windows "add on" from our friends at MicroSoft ...

new_microsoft_keyboard.jpg

**nycsusan@hotmail.com** · 05-02-2001, 02:13 PM

If you are working too hard...

/* Source Code to Windows 2000 */ #include "win31.h" #include "win95.h" #include "evenmore.h" #include "oldstuff.h" #include "billrulz.h" #include "monopoly.h" #define INSTALL = HARD char make_prog_look_big[1600000]; void main() { while(!CRASHED) { display_copyright_message(); display_bill_rules_message(); do_nothing_loop(); if (first_time_installation) { make_50_megabyte_swapfile(); do_nothing_loop(); totally_screw_up_HPFS_file_system(); search_and_destroy_the_rest_of_OS/2(); disable_Netscape(); disable_RealPlayer(); disable_Corel_Products(); hang_system(); } write_something(anything); display_copyright_message(); do_nothing_loop(); do_some_stuff(); if (still_not_crashed) { display_copyright_message(); do_nothing_loop(); basically_run_windows_3.1(); do_nothing_loop(); do_nothing_loop(); } } if (detect_cache()) disable_cache(); if (fast_cpu()) { set_wait_states(lots); set_mouse(speed, very_slow); set_mouse(action, jumpy); set_mouse(reaction, sometimes); } /* printf("Welcome to Windows 3.11"); */ /* printf("Welcome to Windows 95"); */ /* printf("Welcome to Windows 98"); */ printf("Welcome to Windows 2000"); if (system_ok()) crash(to_dos_prompt) else system_memory = open("a:swp0001.swp", O_CREATE); while(something) { sleep(5); get_user_input(); sleep(5); act_on_user_input(); sleep(5); } create_general_protection_fault();

**Guest.Visitor** · 05-02-2001, 02:45 PM

If you are working too hard...

Hands-free cell phone adapter for the busy executive.

handsfree.jpg

**Guest.Visitor** · 05-02-2001, 02:49 PM

If you are working too hard...

From humble beginnings...the original Microsoft team.

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**nycsusan@hotmail.com** · 06-07-2001, 11:24 AM

If you are working too hard...
[*] Warning - this is satire * Atlanta, Ga. (SatireWire.com) - Scientists at the Centers for Disease Control and Symantec's AntiVirus Research Center today confirmed that foot-and-mouth disease cannot be spread by Microsoft's Outlook email application, believed to be the first time the program has ever failed to propagate a major virus. "Frankly, we've never heard of a virus that couldn't spread through Microsoft Outlook, so our findings were, to say the least, unexpected," said Clive Sarnow, director of the CDC's infectious disease unit. The study was immediately hailed by British officials, who said it will save millions of pounds and thousands of man hours. "Up until now we have, quite naturally, assumed that both foot- and-mouth and mad cow were spread by Microsoft Outlook," said Nick Brown, Britain's Agriculture Minister. "By eliminating it, we can focus our resources elsewhere." However, researchers in the Netherlands, where foot-and- mouth has recently appeared, said they are not yet prepared to disqualify Outlook, which has been the progenitor of viruses such as "I Love You," "Bubbleboy," "Anna Kournikova," and "Naked Wife," to name but a few. Said Nils Overmars, director of the Molecular Virology Lab at Leiden University: "It's not that we don't trust the research, it's just that as scientists, we are trained to be skeptical of any finding that flies in the face of established truth. And this one flies in the face like a blind drunk sparrow." Executives at Microsoft, meanwhile, were equally skeptical, insisting that Outlook's patented Virus Transfer Protocol (VTP) has proven virtually pervious to any virus. The company, however, will issue a free VTP patch if it turns out the application is not vulnerable to foot-and-mouth. Such an admission would be embarrassing for the software giant, but Symantec virologist Ariel Kologne insisted that no one is more humiliated by the study than she is. "Only last week, I had a reporter ask if the foot-and-mouth virus spreads through Microsoft Outlook, and I told him, 'Doesn't everything?'" she recalled. "Who would've thought?"

**Guest.Visitor** · 06-07-2001, 11:38 AM

If you are working too hard...

AH HA! Further proof of my claim that Outlook is the "Typhoid Mary of Computer Viruses"!! Steve

**cwscholbe@dstsystems.com** · 06-08-2001, 07:25 AM

If you are working too hard...

Shannon, Where are all of these original Microsoft people and what are they up to today?

**Guest.Visitor** · 06-08-2001, 07:44 AM

If you are working too hard...

They're all multi-multi millionaires for quite some time now!

**cwscholbe@dstsystems.com** · 06-08-2001, 08:00 AM

If you are working too hard...

Have you seen "Triumph of the Nerds"? I found it quite interesting. I also liked "Triumph of the Nerds 1.03" about the "creation" of networking and the Internet.

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